Fuzzy Fractures Cinderella and Baby Ruth Candy Bars Get Dragged Into the Mess

ANNOUNCER - It's time to listen to one of our favorite magical stories. Well, sort of. It's Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales on the WDHA Morning Jolt.

CINDERELLA - Previously on Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales
EVIL STEPMOTHER - "Oh, dear. The prince is looking for a hoochie mama. Anastasia, get Cinderella to help powder your snout."
CINDERELLA - "Oh, how I wish to attend the ball. But I'm a mere servant girl."
FAIRY - "You're a little floozie, but I'll help you."

CINDERELLA - And now, the conclusion of Cinderella.

FUZZY - As Cinderella ran to the ball, she burst through the front door, only to be greeted by her stepsister, Anastasia.

ANASTASIA - Why are you here? Do you really think the prince will choose to marry a servant girl? You're wasting your time.
CINDERELLA - You know., your goiter could use more makeup. You should pencil in eyes, a nose, and an annoying mouth on it. The prince could get two bitches for the price of one.

FUZZY - As they argued, the prince made his appearance as everyone went silent. Silent, not because he was the handsome prince of the kingdom, but rather, he seemed like someone from another world.

CINDERELLA - Are you sh$&%ting me? The prince is Sloth from The Goonies? I hate that annoying movie.
ANASTASIA - I know. Ain't it wonderful? I watch that film every day. It's a classic.

PRINCE - Hello, everyone. I'm Sloth, the handsome prince. I like hunting for pirate treasure and eating Baby Ruth candy bars. Who would like to marry me?

FUZZY - As Cinderella ran away, she tripped as her glass slipper flew off into the prince's mouth, causing him to tumble down the stairs to the feet of Anastasia. It was love at first sight, but Cinderella felt cheated.

CINDERELLA - The prince is a sloth? Oh, fairy, where are you? How did this happen? Just turn me back to the floozie I once was. Please. This fairy tale sucks.

FAIRY - You said it, bimbo. And luckily for you, it's midnight, which means that nice dress I gave you turns back to the filthy rags you love. So let this be a lesson to you. Once a floozie, always a floozie. Good night.

FUZZY - Well, boys and girls, at least Prince Sloth and Goiter Girl made out well in this episode. But the good news for Cinderella is that she now knows to serve Baby Ruth bars during the wedding dinner.

John Mulaney celebrates his birthday today (August 26), and it goes without saying that he’s one of the best stand-up comics out there.  What better way to celebrate his birthday than with some of his best jokes?

Here are seven hilarious John Mulaney videos from some of his standup routines and appearances on talk shows! Enjoy!

(WARNING: NSFW language ahead.)

What's it like to be told by a billionaire in leather pants that you're not funny? Let Mulaney tell you.

Two older Catholic people don't make for a great date? Nonsense! Also, Mulaney's bit on Ice T on Law & Order: SVU is perfection.

If you're the parent to a teen that's new to driving, Mulaney's tale about driving in Texas will make you think twice about their skills.

Being heckled as a comedian is par for the course, but Mulaney's heckling tale is just classic.

One part tribute to Home Alone 2 + one part tribute to classic Def Jam comics = brilliance!

Mulaney explains the awkwardness of realizing there were changes to some call and responses during a Catholic mass.

Mulaney has a knack for sharing funny music-themed stories when he’s a guest on a late-night talk show, and his appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon last night featured a couple of funny stories about taking Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson to a couple of concerts, particularly a very special Steely Dan show.