Have the Pepto Ready When Fuzzy Fractures Mulan

You better make sure you have plenty of Pepto in the medicine cabinet when Fuzzy decides to fracture Disney's Mulan. Something tells us Fa Zhou's stomach may never recover.

ANNOUNCER - It's time to listen to one of our favorite magical stories. Well, sort of. It's Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales on the WDHA Morning Jolt.

FUZZY - Let's see. I have clam chowder, chicken noodles, and lentil soup. Good morning, boys and girls. Just thinking about what I should have for lunch later today. But first, let's fracture Disney's Mulan - Soup's On.

Mulan and Grandmother Fa were in the kitchen preparing soup. Distraught that Mulan's father, Fa Zhou, has been ordered to join the Chinese army. They wonder why.

MULAN - I don't understand. Why don't they just recruit every K-Pop star and send them into battle instead of my father? All their music sounds the same, like techno-s*#t. We could do without them.

GRANDMOTHER FA - Oh, dear. That may be true, Mulan. If they combine their music, they could win this war just by annoying the enemy with one giant sh*@&y concert. Nails on a chalkboard have a more pleasant sound than that crap.

AUDIO - Oh, sorry.

MULAN - Oh, grandmother, we have to think of a way to get father out of this.

FUZZY - As Mulan and her grandmother continued with the soup, Mulan thought of a way as she stirred the pot. A little extra spice would be nice.

MULAN - Grandmother, I have an idea. Quickly, I need chili powder, cayenne pepper, and a bushel of Carolina reapers.
GRANDMOTHER FA - Oh. I see where you're going. No army would consider him with a severe case of explosive diarrhea. His hiney hole will turn into a flamethrower.

AUDIO - Here it comes. HOT! HOT! HOT! Oh...it's over.

FUZZY - As they both prepared the soup, Mulan's father walked in to enjoy his final meal before joining the army. Mulan presented him a bowl of chicken soup that fizzled and popped like it came out of a mad scientist's laboratory.

FA ZHOU - Wow, this soup smells delicious. Do you have a spoon so I could enjoy my final home-cooked meal? Please, MULAN - Daddy, this truly will be your final meal. But remember, I'm doing this to save you, not necessarily your hiney hole. Soups on!

FUZZY - For some reason, I'm not feeling all too hungry anymore. I'll just stick to a glass of water. See you next week.

On Monday (December 11), Cedric "The Entertainer" and Wilmer Valderrama announced the 81st Annual Golden Globe Awards nominees. The Golden Globes will air live on CBS and stream on Paramount+ on Sunday, January 7, 2024, at 8 p.m. ET. Of the 22 categories in film and television, Barbie and Oppenheimer took the nominations by storm. Greta Gerwig's film took a whopping ten nominations, making it the second-most nominated film in the awards show's history, tying with 1972's Cabaret! Following close behind was another summer blockbuster which famously opened the same weekend, Oppenheimer. That film scored eight nods for the January awards show. Christopher Nolan's latest installment along with Gerwig's Barbie caused a cultural phenomenon that morphed into the ultimate double feature: "Barbenheimer."

Unlike the Oscars, the Globes honor the best of both film and television. They also distinguish between film genres, separating comedies and musicals from dramas. This means that Oppenheimer will compete for the top drama prize alongside Killers of the Flower Moon, Maestro, Anatomy of a Fall, The Zone of Interest, and Past Lives. Meanwhile, in the best comedy or musical genre, Barbie will compete against Air, American Fiction, Poor Things, May December, and The Holdovers.

There are some notable changes to this year’s show, as each category now has six nominees instead of five. On top of that, the Globes introduced two new prizes to celebrate box office achievements and stand-up comedy performances. That means that films like Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour, John Wick: Chapter 4, and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 are being recognized for their ticket sales. While the likes of comedians Trevor Noah, Amy Schumer, and Ricky Gervais are getting attention for their stand-up specials. Some notable snubs this year include Ava DuVernay’s Origin and Michael Mann’s Ferrari, which weren't nominated, despite good reviews. Additionally, The Color Purple failed to snag a best musical or comedy nomination.

Take a look below at the top list of nominations for the 81st Annual Golden Globe Awards:

ANATOMY OF A FALL
KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON
MAESTRO
OPPENHEIMER
PAST LIVES
THE ZONE OF INTEREST

AIR
AMERICAN FICTION
BARBIE
THE HOLDOVERS
MAY DECEMBER
POOR THINGS

THE BOY AND THE HERON
ELEMENTAL
SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE
THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE
SUZUME
WISH

BARBIE
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 3
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - DEAD RECKONING PART 1
OPPENHEIMER
SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE
THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE
TAYLOR SWIFT: THE ERAS TOUR

ANNETTE BENING (NYAD)
LILY GLADSTONE (KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON)
SANDRA HÜLLER (ANATOMY OF A FALL)
GRETA LEE (PAST LIVES)
CAREY MULLIGAN (MAESTRO)
CAILEE SPAENY (PRISCILLA)

BRADLEY COOPER (MAESTRO)
LEONARDO DICAPRIO (KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON)
COLMAN DOMINGO (RUSTIN)
BARRY KEOGHAN (SALTBURN)
CILLIAN MURPHY (OPPENHEIMER)
ANDREW SCOTT (ALL OF US STRANGERS)

FANTASIA BARRINO (THE COLOR PURPLE)
JENNIFER LAWRENCE (NO HARD FEELINGS)
NATALIE PORTMAN (MAY DECEMBER)
ALMA PÖYSTI (FALLEN LEAVES)
MARGOT ROBBIE (BARBIE)
EMMA STONE (POOR THINGS)

NICOLAS CAGE (DREAM SCENARIO)
TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET (WONKA)
MATT DAMON (AIR)
PAUL GIAMATTI (THE HOLDOVERS)
JOAQUIN PHOENIX (BEAU IS AFRAID)
JEFFREY WRIGHT (AMERICAN FICTION)

EMILY BLUNT (OPPENHEIMER)
DANIELLE BROOKS (THE COLOR PURPLE)
JODIE FOSTER (NYAD)
JULIANNE MOORE (MAY DECEMBER)
ROSAMUND PIKE (SALTBURN)
DA’VINE JOY RANDOLPH (THE HOLDOVERS)

WILLEM DAFOE (POOR THINGS)
ROBERT DE NIRO (KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON)
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (OPPENHEIMER)
RYAN GOSLING (BARBIE)
CHARLES MELTON (MAY DECEMBER)
MARK RUFFALO (POOR THINGS)

BRADLEY COOPER (MAESTRO)
GRETA GERWIG (BARBIE)
YORGOS LANTHIMOS (POOR THINGS)
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN (OPPENHEIMER)
MARTIN SCORSESE (KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON)
CELINE SONG (PAST LIVES)

1923
THE CROWN
THE DIPLOMAT
THE LAST OF US
THE MORNING SHOW
SUCCESSION

ABBOTT ELEMENTARY
BARRY
THE BEAR
JURY DUTY
ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING
TED LASSO

ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT SEE
BEEF
DAISY JONES & THE SIX
FARGO
FELLOW TRAVELERS
LESSONS IN CHEMISTRY

HELEN MIRREN (1923)
BELLA RAMSEY (THE LAST OF US)
KERI RUSSELL (THE DIPLOMAT)
SARAH SNOOK (SUCCESSION)
IMELDA STAUNTON (THE CROWN)
EMMA STONE (THE CURSE)

BRIAN COX (SUCCESSION)
KIERAN CULKIN (SUCCESSION)
GARY OLDMAN (SLOW HORSES)
PEDRO PASCAL (THE LAST OF US)
JEREMY STRONG (SUCCESSION)
DOMINIC WEST (THE CROWN)

RACHEL BROSNAHAN (THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL)
QUINTA BRUNSON (ABBOTT ELEMENTARY)
AYO EDEBIRI (THE BEAR)
ELLE FANNING (THE GREAT)
SELENA GOMEZ (ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING)
NATASHA LYONNE (POKER FACE)

BILL HADER (BARRY)
STEVE MARTIN (ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING)
JASON SEGEL (SHRINKING)
MARTIN SHORT (ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING)
JASON SUDEIKIS (TED LASSO)
JEREMY ALLEN WHITE (THE BEAR)

RILEY KEOUGH (DAISY JONES & THE SIX)
BRIE LARSON (LESSONS IN CHEMISTRY)
ELIZABETH OLSEN (LOVE & DEATH)
JUNO TEMPLE (FARGO)
RACHEL WEISZ (DEAD RINGERS)
ALI WONG (BEEF)

MATT BOMER (FELLOW TRAVELERS)
SAM CLAFLIN (DAISY JONES & THE SIX)
JON HAMM (FARGO)
WOODY HARRELSON (WHITE HOUSE PLUMBERS)
DAVID OYELOWO (LAWMEN: BASS REEVES)
STEVEN YEUN (BEEF)

ELIZABETH DEBICKI (THE CROWN)
ABBY ELLIOTT (THE BEAR)
CHRISTINA RICCI (YELLOWJACKETS)
J. SMITH-CAMERON (SUCCESSION)
MERYL STREEP (ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING)
HANNAH WADDINGHAM (TED LASSO)

BILLY CRUDUP (THE MORNING SHOW)
MATTHEW MACFADYEN (SUCCESSION)
JAMES MARSDEN (JURY DUTY)
EBON MOSS–BACHRACH (THE BEAR)
ALAN RUCK (SUCCESSION)
ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD (SUCCESSION)