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WDHA Morning Jolt

WDHA Morning Jolt

WDHA Morning Jolt

The Magic of the Season and the Elves Get Shattered By Fuzzy

Author Jim Monaghan

Come late December and the holiday season, our thoughts turn to magical things like elves. After listening to today’s episode of Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales, you will never look at elves the same way again.

Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales

ANNOUNCER – It’s time to listen to one of our favorite magical stories. Well, sort of. It’s Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales on the WDHA Morning Jolt.

FUZZY – Good morning, boys and girls. Let’s jump into today’s holiday episode, The Elves and the Shoemaker Version 2.0.

Christmas is days away, and the shoemaker had very few orders to fill. Desperate for money, he turned to his wife for help.

SHOEMAKER – Damn it, woman, what are we going to do without money? I can’t buy Preparation H. I’m straining myself so much, I can’t tell if it’s a pooping problem or if I’m pregnant.
WIFE – Listen, if you’re pregnant, then I’m Mrs. Claus on crack. Would you please stop with that nonsense and come to bed? We’ll figure this out tomorrow.

SHOEMAKER – Screw that. That mattress causes my heiny hole to itch and bleed. I’m sleeping on the davenport instead.

FUZZY – As they both went to bed, two little elves snuck into the house to escape a snowstorm. Aside from the cold temperature, they seemed displeased.

ELF 1 – Man, this village really sucks. The mutts in this town look better than the women. They all look like Barbra Streisand wearing ugly clog sandals. We need to turn those shoes to something more exciting and make the ladies into the floozies they’re meant to be.
ELF 2 – I agree. Hey, look over there. There’s a bunch of leather and laces on the workbench. If we work together, we could turn this village to a place Santa Claus will want to visit. It will be a Christmas miracle.

Even designer Jimmy Choo would be impressed

FUZZY – The elves worked endlessly throughout the night, sewing, stitching and cutting. And behold, they made a woman’s over-the-knee boot with leather, black mesh and pearls that would impress shoe designer Jimmy Choo himself.

ELF 1 – I must admit, this is my finest work. When the ladies of this village put this on, this whole town is going to turn into a brothel. Now that’s a Christmas miracle!

SHOEMAKER – What’s all that noise in there? Holy crap. Did you elves make those boots? Hot damn, I think I felt my private parts move. Or maybe my diaper fell off. I can make a fortune with that. And finally buy Preparation H.
ELF 1 – You damn straight. Wrap a high price tag on these suckers and you could buy the whole company. Your heiny hole will finally live in everlasting comfort. Merry Christmas.

FUZZY – I really have to give a hand to the elves. They really know how to transform a village to a destination spot. Happy holidays, everyone.

MORE FUZZY: Fuzzy Fractures Cinderella and Leaves Us With An Exciting(?) Cliffhanger

Christmas Songs: 25 Hard Rock/Metal/Punk Tunes To Help Deck the Halls

Now that it’s finally December, it’s time to fully embrace Christmas songs. (Sure, some may have started long ago, but many like to wait until Thanksgiving is in the rearview.)

There are a surprising number of rock and roll Christmas songs. Many rockin’ holiday tunes tend to be covers, but many artists have tried to pen the next Christmas classic. If they don’t end up classics, they are often at least a lot of fun.

One of those songs is “The Magic of Christmas Day.” The song was written by Twisted Sister singer Dee Snider, but it was made famous when it was recorded by Celine Dion. Snider wrote the song at the request of his wife, Suzette. The song got into the hands of producer Ric Wake, a friend of Snider’s, who thought the song had massive potential.

RELATED: 10 Unique Stocking Stuffers

 

Snider said in a Dec. 2020 interview in Ultimate Classic Rock that about five years after writing the song for his wife, he got a fateful call from Wake. The producer let him know that Celine Dion wanted to record the song.

It was perfect timing for Snider. He said was “broke and struggling” at the time he learned the pop icon decided to record his song. Considering Dion’s star power, Snider was thrilled she wanted to record the song at all. His big concern was making sure she didn’t know he was the one to write the song.

“I said, ‘Do not tell her that Satan wrote her Christmas song. Just put it on the f—in’ album,'” said Snider. (Fun fact: Due to the song’s success and the revenue it produced, Snider refers to her as “Saint Celine.”

To help fully get into the holiday spirit, consider adding these 25 songs to your Christmas playlist. They vary in subgenre from hard rock to metal to punk. Enjoy!

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Author Jim Monaghan
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