The Magic of the Season and the Elves Get Shattered By Fuzzy
Come late December and the holiday season, our thoughts turn to magical things like elves. After listening to today’s episode of Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales, you will never look at…
Come late December and the holiday season, our thoughts turn to magical things like elves. After listening to today's episode of Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales, you will never look at elves the same way again.
Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales
ANNOUNCER - It's time to listen to one of our favorite magical stories. Well, sort of. It's Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales on the WDHA Morning Jolt.
FUZZY - Good morning, boys and girls. Let's jump into today's holiday episode, The Elves and the Shoemaker Version 2.0.
Christmas is days away, and the shoemaker had very few orders to fill. Desperate for money, he turned to his wife for help.
SHOEMAKER - Damn it, woman, what are we going to do without money? I can't buy Preparation H. I'm straining myself so much, I can't tell if it's a pooping problem or if I'm pregnant.
WIFE - Listen, if you're pregnant, then I'm Mrs. Claus on crack. Would you please stop with that nonsense and come to bed? We'll figure this out tomorrow.
SHOEMAKER - Screw that. That mattress causes my heiny hole to itch and bleed. I'm sleeping on the davenport instead.
FUZZY - As they both went to bed, two little elves snuck into the house to escape a snowstorm. Aside from the cold temperature, they seemed displeased.
ELF 1 - Man, this village really sucks. The mutts in this town look better than the women. They all look like Barbra Streisand wearing ugly clog sandals. We need to turn those shoes to something more exciting and make the ladies into the floozies they're meant to be.
ELF 2 - I agree. Hey, look over there. There's a bunch of leather and laces on the workbench. If we work together, we could turn this village to a place Santa Claus will want to visit. It will be a Christmas miracle.
Even designer Jimmy Choo would be impressed
FUZZY - The elves worked endlessly throughout the night, sewing, stitching and cutting. And behold, they made a woman's over-the-knee boot with leather, black mesh and pearls that would impress shoe designer Jimmy Choo himself.
ELF 1 - I must admit, this is my finest work. When the ladies of this village put this on, this whole town is going to turn into a brothel. Now that's a Christmas miracle!
SHOEMAKER - What's all that noise in there? Holy crap. Did you elves make those boots? Hot damn, I think I felt my private parts move. Or maybe my diaper fell off. I can make a fortune with that. And finally buy Preparation H.
ELF 1 - You damn straight. Wrap a high price tag on these suckers and you could buy the whole company. Your heiny hole will finally live in everlasting comfort. Merry Christmas.
FUZZY - I really have to give a hand to the elves. They really know how to transform a village to a destination spot. Happy holidays, everyone.
Christmas Songs: 25 Hard Rock/Metal/Punk Tunes To Help Deck the Halls
Now that it's finally December, it's time to fully embrace Christmas songs. (Sure, some may have started long ago, but many like to wait until Thanksgiving is in the rearview.)
There are a surprising number of rock and roll Christmas songs. Many rockin' holiday tunes tend to be covers, but many artists have tried to pen the next Christmas classic. If they don't end up classics, they are often at least a lot of fun.
One of those songs is "The Magic of Christmas Day." The song was written by Twisted Sister singer Dee Snider, but it was made famous when it was recorded by Celine Dion. Snider wrote the song at the request of his wife, Suzette. The song got into the hands of producer Ric Wake, a friend of Snider's, who thought the song had massive potential.
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Snider said in a Dec. 2020 interview in Ultimate Classic Rock that about five years after writing the song for his wife, he got a fateful call from Wake. The producer let him know that Celine Dion wanted to record the song.
It was perfect timing for Snider. He said was "broke and struggling" at the time he learned the pop icon decided to record his song. Considering Dion's star power, Snider was thrilled she wanted to record the song at all. His big concern was making sure she didn't know he was the one to write the song.
"I said, 'Do not tell her that Satan wrote her Christmas song. Just put it on the f---in’ album,'" said Snider. (Fun fact: Due to the song's success and the revenue it produced, Snider refers to her as "Saint Celine."
To help fully get into the holiday spirit, consider adding these 25 songs to your Christmas playlist. They vary in subgenre from hard rock to metal to punk. Enjoy!
25. Iggy Pop - "White Christmas"
Neilson Barnard/Getty ImagesSpoiler: Iggy Pop's cover of "White Christmas" sounds exactly like you think it would.
24. Alice Cooper - "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
Cole Bennetts/Getty ImagesOnly Alice Cooper could make "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" sound sinister AF.
23. Cheech & Chong - "Santa Claus and His Old Lady"
Ethan Miller/Getty ImagesMore of a piece of spoken-word magic than a song, but it's just not Christmas without Cheech & Chong.
22. Rob Halford - "We Three Kings"
Ethan Miller/Getty ImagesIt's the metal version of "We Three Kings" we both needed and deserved. Thanks, Metal God!
21. Korn - "Kidnap the Sandy Claws"
Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesKorn covered "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" for 'Nightmare Revisited,' a covers album in honor of the 15th anniversary of 'The Nightmare Before Christmas.'
20. My Chemical Romance - "All I Want For Christmas is You"
Ethan Miller/Getty ImagesSimilar to Iggy Pop and "White Christmas," MCR's cover of the Mariah Carey classic sounds exactly like you think it would, and it pretty brilliant.
19. The Black Crowes - "Back Door Santa"
Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty ImagesOriginally recorded by Clarence Carter in 1968, The Black Crowes covered this sexy Christmas blues tune in 2005. The tune is all the more fun since the Robinson brothers have made up.
18. The Killers - "A Great Big Sled"
Ethan Miller/Getty ImagesThe Killers recorded this energetic tune in 2006 as a stand-alone single for iTunes. Proceeds from the downloads benefited the RED Campaign. A fun holiday song that helps raise money for HIV/AIDS prevention programs in third-world countries? Who couldn't get behind that?
17. King Diamond - "No Presents for Christmas"
RoadrunnerIf you don't wail, "Tom and Jerry, Drinking Sherry/They don't give a damn," who even *are* you?
16. Ronnie James Dio, Tony Iommi, Rudy Sarzo & Simon Wright - "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
Frazer Harrison/Getty ImagesThis epic cover was part of 2008's compilation 'We Wish You a Metal XMas...and a Headbanging New Year!' In fact, it's not the only track from this album on the list. (BTW: The next one is number four.)
15. GWAR - "Stripper Christmas Summer Weekend"
Roger Kisby/Getty ImagesIt's a GWAR Christmas song. That's all you *really* need to know.
14. Twisted Sister - "Oh Come All Ye Faithful"
Ethan Miller/Getty ImagesA Twisted Christmas' was Twisted Sister's final studio album, and they sure went out with a yuletide bang. Any track is a winner and will surely get any metalhead in the Christmas spirit, but "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" is a standout thanks to its very "Twisted" flare.
13. Gary Hoey - "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"
Surfdog RecordsFew have made a musical mark on Christmas like Gary Hoey, and there's just something special about his take on a classic like "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch."
12. The Darkness - "Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End)"
Steve Finn/Getty ImagesAfter The Darkness falsettoed onto the scene in 2003 with "I Believe in a Thing Called Love," they followed that single up with the equally over-the-top "Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End)." If you loved "I Believe in a Thing Called Love," then you'll never want the bells to end.
11. Ramones - "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)"
Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty ImagesJoey Ramone was one of punk's biggest icons, but he sure could write one sweet make-up song.
10. blink-182 - "I Won't Be Home For Christmas"
Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesA Christmas song about losing your s--- and getting arrested? Totally not relatable, right. (Wrong!)
9. Spinal Tap - "Christmas With The Devil"
Matt Cardy/Getty ImagesA Spinal Tap Christmas song means taking the piss out of metal *and* the holidays. Who couldn't love that kind of cheeky fun?!
Adam Sandler in Concert
Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesLOS ANGELES, CA - JULY 12: Actor/musician Adam Sandler performs onstage during the 3rd Annual VH1 Rock Honors at UCLA's Pauley Pavillion on July 12, 2008 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
7. Pearl Jam - "Let Me Sleep (It's Christmas Time)"
Gareth Cattermole/Getty ImagesPart of Pearl Jam's lore is there annual fan club singles they released from 1991-2018. "Let Me Sleep (It's Christmas Time)" was the first one, so considering its history, it had to make the list.
6. AC/DC - "Mistress for Christmas"
Kevin Mazur/Getty Images"Jingle bells, jingle bells/Jingle all the day/I just can't wait till christmas time/When I can grope you in the hay." Finally! A Christmas song about infidelity that isn't "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Thanks, AC/DC!
5. Trans-Siberian Orchestra - "Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24"
Anna Webber/Getty ImagesIt's truly not Christmas without Trans-Siberian Orchestra. While the hard rock outfit has a number of popular tunes in their catalog, "Christmas/Sarajevo 12/24" is their most popular and their best.
4. Lemmy Kilmister, Billy F Gibbons & Dave Grohl - "Run Rudolph Run"
Frazer Harrison/Getty ImagesFeatured on 2008's compilation 'We Wish You a Metal XMas...and a Headbanging New Year!' , hearing Lemmy's trademark growl covering this Chuck Berry classic makes you feel as warm and fuzzy as slamming a few Jack and Cokes.
3. Dropkick Murphys - "The Season's Upon Us"
Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesDropkick Murphys tell a tale of one of the most dysfunctional families ever, and if it doesn't make you feel better about your own family, then just start drinking now to get through the holidays.
2. Dee Snider & Lzzy Hale - "The Magic of Christmas Day"
BMGDee Snider wrote this beautiful songs as a Christmas gift for his wife. Four years later in 1998, Celine Dion would record the song and make it famous. Finally, in 2020, Snider would record and release the song as a duet with Lzzy Hale. It's still amazing that the frontman for Twisted Sister wrote one of the most angelic Christmas songs of all time.
1. Corey Taylor - "X-M@$"
Frazer Harrison/Getty ImagesObviously, this Corey Taylor song is very tongue-in-cheek, but there is certainly a bit of truth here. Who among us hasn't wanted to say, "Fa la la la la go f--- yourself"? (Perhaps you were one of the brave few that actually has.) Either way, this "anti" Christmas song is just really fun.
