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WDHA Morning Jolt

WDHA Morning Jolt

WDHA Morning Jolt

Fuzzy Puts His Fractured Spin On Star Wars

Author Jim Monaghan

The first episode of Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales of the New Year is a real doozy! All bets are off when Fuzzy puts his spin on an epic Star Wars tale.

Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales

ANNOUNCER – It’s time to listen to one of our favorite magical stories. Well, sort of. It’s Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales on the WDHA Morning Jolt.

FUZZY – Good morning, boys and girls, and Happy New Year. And in celebration of 2024, I think it’s time to fracture a classic Star Wars movie. It’s “The Phantom Menace – Short Negotiations.”

A sleek ship sped through space to the green planet of Naboo. Inside were two Jedis, Master Qui-Gon and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. They were on an important mission.

OBI – Uh, Master Qui-Gon, what are we doing here? I submitted a vacation request with you weeks ago. I’m supposed to be on the planet Libido, where the ladies have hooters the size of Jabba the Hutt’s head. What gives?

QUI – Yeah, sorry about that, Obi-Wan. I had to cancel your request. We got trade negotiations to do. I brought this crate of supplies. We have to give it to the Viceroy. Patience, Obi-Wan.

OBI – Patience. matience, when you take giant hooters away from me, turning to the dark side gets stronger. This is not a good way to start the new year, but I’ll try my best.

AUDIO – No. Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

FUZZY – As the ship proceeded to land on Naboo, the Viceroy greeted the two Jedi’s with armed droids. Either this was a trap, or the contents of the crate are more important than originally thought.

VICEROY GUNRAY  – Stop right there, Jedi scum. If you hand over that crate, no harm will come to you. If you don’t, your Medicare plan won’t cover what we are about to do to.

OBI – Ah Qui-Gon, my Jedi senses say I won’t be seeing any hooters anytime soon. This is quite a predicament we’re in. What should we do?

QUI – You may be right, Obi-Wan. My Jedi senses say we’re f***ed.  We should have prepared ourselves instead of getting drunk and singing the intergalactic version of Devo’s “Whip It” with the Jawas and the Sand People at the Tuscan Bar.

VICEROY GUNRAY – Enough of this and your crappy karaoke song. Stupid Jedi scum. You are outmatched. Attack.

AUDIO – Roger, Roger.

FUZZY – It seems things are starting to get intense for our heroes.

Tune in next week for part two of Star Wars – “The Phantom Menace Shorten Negotiations” on Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales.

MORE FUZZY: Fuzzy Needs A Helicopter To Rise Above the Weird News Mess

 

These Celebrities Have a January Birthday

People born in January are either a Capricorn (January 1–19) or an Aquarius (January 20-31). For most of the month, the earth sign Capricorns rules the first month of the year. With everyone burnt out financially and emotionally by the holiday season, Capricorns tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to celebrating their birthday. Capricorns are the last earth sign of the zodiac, represented by the sea goat, a mythological creature with the body of a goat and the tail of a fish. This sign is known for being skilled at navigating both the material and emotional realms. Ruled by Saturn, the “timekeeper” of the zodiac, Capricorn is one of the most ambitious and persevering of all signs.

They are ambitious, determined, materialistic, perceptive, and disciplined. Because of their unwavering focus, Capricorns can sometimes be perceived as cold and unemotional. That doesn’t mean that Capricorns don’t know how to have fun. The sea goats tend to become increasingly youthful, optimistic, and playful as they age. Inside every Capricorn is a mischievous little troublemaker.

Aquarius Traits

On January 20, Aquarius season begins. Air sign Aquarius is represented by the water bearer, the mystical healer who bestows water, or life, upon the land. They are the last of the air signs, and of all the zodiac signs, Aquarius is the most innovative, progressive, rebellious, and humanitarian. Aquariuses are known to be intellectual and curious, often interested in conspiracy theories and out-of-this-world thoughts.

Aquarius is ruled by Uranus, the planet that governs innovation, technology, and surprising events. This perfectly complements Aquarius’ nontraditional nature. Aquarius also have a reputation for being cold and detached, sometimes so focused on their plans that they neglect their family and friends. Even though Aquarius can let the present slip away from them, their free-spirited and eccentric personalities make them so charismatic.

Some of the most talented actors, musicians, and iconic figures in Hollywood celebrate their birthdays in the month of January. Keep scrolling to see which of our favorite celebrities celebrate a December birthday.

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Author Jim Monaghan
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