Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales – Star Wars Attack of the Clones Part 2

With Star Wars Day this past Saturday (May the Fourth Be With You), Michael Fuzzy Lee chose to fracture Star Wars - Attack of the Clones.

For this week's episode, we present the conclusion.

ANNOUNCER - It's time to listen to one of our favorite magical stories. Erm, well, sort of.

It's Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales on the WDHA Morning Jolt.

FUZZY - Previously on Fuzzy's Fractured Fairy Tales.

AUDIO - "Well, this is another fine mess.  I'm chained to a pillar about to become monster meat."
"Anakin, grow some b***s and save us!"
"Oh, shut up, woman!"
"Monsters attack!"

FUZZY - And now the conclusion of Star Wars Attack of the Clones, the Arena.

As the crowd cheered for the death of our two Jedi Knights and Senator Amidala, R2-D2 sneaked through the crowd dressed in a wookiee costume not to be noticed.

He positioned himself opposite where our heroes are and launched two light sabers and a phaser in the air.

PAD - Damn it, Anakin! Do something! We're about to be eaten alive! I knew I should have waited longer and married Darth Vader instead.

ANAKIN - Listen, bi**h. If you keep talking like that, I'll let those monsters feast on you. If they could shut you up, they'll be doing the galaxy a favor.

OBI - Boy, the both of you have an interesting relationship. Normally I would say use the Force.

But in this case, get a divorce instead.

Hey, what's that?

FUZZY - As the monsters rushed toward our heroes, the light sabers and phaser fell from the sky and knocked Obi-Wan Kenobi in the head before landing in his hand.

He activated it, sliced the chains, and freed his friends.

With weapons in hand, Anakin and Senator Amidala took care of the monsters while Obi-Wan Kenobi ran up the arena steps and cornered Jango Fett.

OBI - Stop right there, Jango Fett! You're in big trouble. You're about to get a spanking.

JANGO - Damn it, stupid Jedi scum. Let's make a deal.

I overheard your conversation with those two fools and apparently they need marriage counselors.

I am certified in the dark side of counseling, which consists of everlasting arguments, everlasting torture, and everlasting salad buffet. I'm a vegetarian. I'd like to be healthy.

OBI - Really? I'm certified on the light side of counseling - everlasting peace, everlasting happiness, and everlasting sirloin steak buffet.

I'm a meat eater. We make a good fit to his marriage counselors. It's all about balance.

FUZZY - That is true.

If you balance yourself, you'll be in true harmony with the Force.  That's why I eat black and white cookies. It keeps me in line with the world.

MORE FUZZY'S FRACTURED FAIRY TALES

Star Wars Day is almost upon us and New Jersey is readying itself for the celebration! The Garden State can be a big place if you aren't sure where to go, so to make it a little easier we have cultivated a short list of spots celebrating George Lucas' greatest achievement in fun and unique ways.

If it was not obvious already, the date originated from the pun "May The Fourth Be With You", from the popular catchphrase of the Science Fiction Franchine, "May The Force Be With You". The holiday was not actually created by Lucasfilm, but rather, this became a rallying call for fans of the movies.

Many fans choose to celebrate the day, and it has since been embraced by LucasFilm and Disney, with both companies often promoting events and deals of their own.

The Garden State is never afraid of a celebration and Star Wars Day is no different. This is a day to let your fandom fly proudly with others. Whether you walk on the side of light with the Jedi, the dark side with the Sith, or are a humble Wookie, there are many ways to celebrate. Now on to the list...

For those whose favorite part of the franchise is the legendary compositions of John Williams will not want to miss this. Starting at 1:00, join UCPAC on their “Biggest Little Wurlitzer” with Eric Fahner playing John Williams compositions. This will be followed by a digital presentation of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story at 2:00 PM. Admission is free! The Cafe bar will also be open for food and drinks!

A long time ago in a village far far away, but not really. Travel to Pier Village, dressed as your favorite Star Wars Character, and revel in the festivities that would have an Ewok blushing. From 11:00 AM - 6:00 PM, enjoy a lovely artisan market, and Star Wars-themed pet contests.  Want something a little more adventurous? 11:30 - 12:30, become one with the force and begin your Jedi training (purpose yoga).  Boardwalk games, character meet and greets,  cosmic bracelet making, there is plenty to do for everyone in the family who is a fan.    

For the more adult crowd, be sure to check out Boogie Nights for their ultimate Star Wars celebration.  Dress up, dance,  and enjoy the 70s, 80s, and 90s, musical stylings akin to that of the Max Rebo Band playing at Jabba's Palace. This starts at 11:00 PM and admission is $25 Dollars.  

For those who want to relax, and kick their feet up, the Barrymore Film Center is the place to be! Starting at 7:30, watch the movie that started it all -- Star Wars: A New Hope...or episode IV, for those born AFTER the prequels. 

A little bonus for those who choose to walk the path of the dark side! The Wayne NJ Toy Show is hosting its monthly event. As one would imagine, there will be tons of Star Wars memorabilia among the sports cards, toys, comic books,s and other collectibles.