Fuzzy’s Hansel and Gretel Reboot Needs Help From Child Services
Fuzzy has already made Hansel and Gretel the focus of a previous episode of Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales, but in this reboot, he brings new adventures of these Brothers Grimm characters.
And somehow you just know that Child Services isn’t going to be much help here.
ANNOUNCER – It’s time to listen to one of our favorite magical stories. Well, sort of. It’s Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales on the WDHA Morning Jolt.
FUZZY – And good morning, boys and girls. It’s time for another reboot of a classic story. It’s Hansel and Gretel, version 2.0. One day, Hansel and Gretel were waiting outside in the forest, wondering where their father and stepmother are. This is not the first time the kids were abandoned by their parents, but the third.
HANSEL – I can’t believe this. They left us here to die. Again. I swear, I’m going to put Child Protective Services on speed dial. Gretel, where’s my phone?
GRETEL – Well, don’t drain the battery. I’m watching Carpool Karaoke with James Corden. How about you call an Uber instead? We could sing our way home.
HANSEL – How about I stick a turd in a jock strap and shove it down your throat? Now hand me the phone, you little brat.
FUZZY – As Hansel grabbed the phone, he quickly called Child services. Fed up with constant abandonment and being left outside for the wolves, he needed a solution.
CHILD SERVICES – Hello, this is Ben Dover from Child Protective Services. How may I help you?
HANSEL – Yes, I’d like to report my parents for negligence and being overall assholes. Please. They left us out here to die.
Not the help Hansel or Gretel wanted
BEN DOVER – It’s okay. Just calm down. Where are you located?
HANSEL – How the hell do I know? According to this fairy tale, I live in the forest, but all I see around me are trees. It doesn’t make any sense. Just get me the hell out of here.
BEN DOVER – It’s okay. I pinpointed your location on GPS. Luckily for you, we have a lovely old blind lady who lives in the gingerbread house near your location. She comes highly recommended. When she receives new children, we never hear from them anymore. Just follow the breadcrumb emojis I mapped on your phone and have a nice day.
HANSEL – Well, wait a minute. Could you also send a six pack of beer emojis on my phone? I’m quite thirsty, you know. Hello?
I got a bad feeling about this.
FUZZY – Well, the operator seems like he knows what he’s talking about. Tune in next week for part two of Hansel and Gretel on Fuzzy’s Fractured Fairy Tales.