Weird News – Violated Teddy Bears and Stinky Diapers
Violated teddy bears and stinky diapers dominate the headlines. Or at least they dominate the headlines of the news sources Michael Fuzzy Lee uses to research his Weird News feature.
Weird News 11-16-23
ANNOUNCER – It’s time now for WDHA’s Weird News with Michael Fuzzy Lee.
FUZZY – Today in Weird News, a cop in Arkansas spotted a shaking vehicle parked outside a storage facility. He went to investigate and opened a door to find a 55-year old man having sex with a stuffed teddy bear.
The man was arrested and charged with drug possession and public indecency.
And on the phone with me now is Arkansas Man. So, sir, let me just thank you for taking my call, since you’re only allowed one from jail.
ARKANSAS MAN – Say what? Who the hell are you? Ain’t this 1-800-Build-A-Bear? You telling me I’ve been on hold all this time just to find out I’m on the phone with some jackass? Listen, bro, the holidays are coming, and I’m on the mission to order as many stuffed teddy bears as possible. You get it?.
FUZZY – No, I understand, sir, but are doing drugs and having sex with stuffed animals something that you do often?
ARKANSAS MAN – Listen, jackass, that ain’t none of your business. What I do in my spare time, it’s my time. You understand? Listen, you want to do a bro favor? Send me some crack and the teddy bear costume so I can slap it on and sneak the hell out of here. Hopefully, I won’t get distracted and hump myself in this thing.
FUZZY – Well, that leads me to my final question. What’s the condition of the teddy bear that you got caught with?
ARKANSAS MAN – Well, what do you think the condition is? Ain’t you listening to me? I thought you were 1-800-Build-A-Bear. So the prognosis is this. I ripped that bear to shreds. Hence why I want to place an order and use promo code “stuff this.” I’ll save 10% off my order. So do me a favor and transfer me over to Build-A-Bear.
FUZZY – All right. There’s no need to be testy. Okay?
Thanks, jackass.
FUZZYViolated – Geez. What is it about the holidays that make some people unbearable?
Whose diaper is that?
And lastly, in weird news, a flight heading to Tampa was about an hour into the trip when a passenger reported a suspicious package inside the lavatory. The pilot turned the plane around, and the passengers were evacuated and a bomb squad boarded. The suspicious package was just a dirty adult diaper wrapped in a plastic bag.
The Sherlock Holmes in me has a strange suspicion that the one who reported the dirty diaper was the one who took a dump in the dirty diaper.
It’s simple.
The bomb squad needs to sniff the dirty diaper and sniff the butt of the one who reported the dirty diaper for comparison. I suspect this scent will be similar.
We must fall back on the old axiom that when other contingency fail, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
If data’s vouching for me, that’s just as good as Sherlock Holmes. And that’s DHA’s Weird News.
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